It has now been three years since I split with my baby mother and it still hurts like mad when I go to special events and functions.
Today I went to watch my now 7 year old daughter play Cello with many other children for a music event in a local school.
When I arrived, my daughter was with her mother and her mother’s boyfriend of 3 years. I have had to come to terms with the fact that there is another man taking my role, as I am not allowed to see my daughter more than every 2 weeks, but when I arrived she did not even bat an eye lid to me until I had walked past her mother and boyfriend.
Instead of me walking her into the school hall and spending time with her, my ex’s boyfriend did it and it hurts an indescribable amount when you have such unconditional love for someone, that you can’t even act like the father you are. I never imagined fatherhood could ever be so painful.
When she is in my care she is so loving and really seems to have a great time, as I put myself out to do special things with her every single time I see her. She is such a confused child and she is caught up in a situation where she is not made to feel comfortable about expressing herself towards me, which must be damaging for her.
I was so hurt by the situation that I almost drove home without seeing her perform, but I took 5 minutes out and decided the best thing was to see it through and it was the right decision. Throughout the performance she seemed uncomfortable with me being there but my mum who came with me, told me that she could see my daughter trying to see me throughout the performance and that made me feel a little better.
After her performance she came upto me (after her mother’s boyfriend motioned for her to come and say goodbye) and she seemed much more affectionate towards me and towards my mum, but I could see in her face she felt very saddened by the experience as this was a rare occasion for her to see me, as well as having her mother and boyfriend about.
I now fill heart-broken, sad, angry and confused. I have had a long time to deal with my situation, but it never fails to shock me just how much the situation hurts me and it must really be affecting my daughter.
If only her mother would put the past behind her and try to be amicable for the sake of our only child, it would make a world of difference.
I will never regret having a child, but how much pain can a father take, before there is justice and children are put first, rather than courts naturally taking the side of the mother, despite having facts to hand that prove the mother is unwilling to ever promote contact between a child and a natural parent.